The White Woman’s Burden

Yep. Pretty much sums up India and how they view relationships. Not just interracial relationships, but relationships in general.

I'm an Indian guy from the United States, and I was in India for a short amount of time; during which I dated an Indian girl, who was also from the US--and we went through the same thing.

The attitudes and environment are pretty much hypocritical, like most conservative societies: Sex, prostitution, drugs are more rampant than any developed country, but people go about their business as though they are perfect little angels who don't have basic human feelings. Kissing? That's wrong. Sex with someone outside of your caste/wedlock: That's wrong. Dating a person from a different geographical region? That's wrong.

The sad part is: Indian people who move out of India carry these attitudes with them, so an Indian community in other country treats you similar to how you would be treated in India.

The saddest part: The Indian population is offended when you state the excessive population (someone's getting it on), sex, drugs, etc., but also claim that India has "changed" and is a lot more liberal. Obviously, our stories, both show that even in 2010, something as basic as a human relationship is still not respected.

I'm an Indian from Bombay who came to the US for college (undergrad) and am now working in the US. I've been lucky to have a very liberal and cosmopolitan upbringing, and I was surprised to encounter what Oinkoink said - I find that I'm often a lot more liberal and "Western/American" (as my relatives would call it) in my attitudes about a lot of things compared to a lot of Indians who grew up in the States.

I'm sorry to hear about the troubles you've had to face though, and I'm sorry to say that those attitudes will not be changing anytime soon. It sounds like you have tenacity to deal with these issues though, so I wish you the best for the future with the hope that my assumption is correct.

Being a short guy entails almost never being taken seriously, or respected. It is certainly a prejudice ubiquitous in the west. To hear of its presence in India is unsurprising.

I wish you all the best overcoming racist traditionalism, but you are sorely mistaken if you think having children will stop people regarding you and your husband (or anyone) superficially.

By the way, read this book Shantaram by Gregory Davis... its about a foreigner in India.

Thanks for the interesting piece! India continues to be a country with backward and racist attitudes in many places, and foreigners / interracial couples are still treated strangely. Here's hoping your relationship educates them a little!

I am a Chinese Indonesian married to an Indian guy. I can relate to your story and had a similar experience whenever we visit India (less severe since my in law is in police department :). We live in the States at the moment. Like you said we are just one happy married couple just like others and I see my husband as a human being that I love, not his skin color, etc.

I do not think that having children will make things better or different but who knows! I thought it is a little shallow to put things that way.

Good luck!

Oh, poor naive white girl needs to deal with the oppressive, backwards, Indian racists. Boo-hoo. Cry me a river.

Nowhere in this essay do you discuss why these stereotypes exist. Nowhere do you discuss the psychological and cultural impact that white colonialism and white globalism has had and continues to have on on Indian society and why it would regard you as both some sort of goddess and a filthy prostitute at the same time.
Nowhere do you discuss the historical harm that white people have done to India. But you probably believe what do a bunch of dead white people have to do with me; I am not culpable for their crimes? Yea, you reaped the benefits of being born white without ever realizing those benefits were anything but normal, but when you suffer any of the backlash of that in a non-white country, it's "look at these barbaric, backwards Indians." Go thank your white great-great-grand uncles who raped India and other brown countries for both the immense benefits you enjoy and the minor inconveniences you suffer in this racist world in which we live in, because they created it and your people still own it.

Your naivete is unbelievable. You seem to epitomize western consumption of 'exotic' India. Let me guess, you like to 'travel', perhaps were fascinated by yoga, or Indian food, or 'eastern' religions? You thought coming to a strange and exotic land would offer some kind of meaning and excitement to your plain-Jane western existence. You fell in 'love' with an Indian, without ever considering the impact it would have on his family, his people, his culture. This concept of 'romantic love' epitomizes the westerner's idolization of individualism. You and your love are all that matters. Who cares what anyone else thinks? Everyone else should accommodate you.

This is sense of entitlement is a direct descendant of colonists' sense of entitled conquest and the western fascination with individualism. ME! ME! ME!

I concur with what Joe wrote.

basically, Indians are humans just like you.
racism is part of Evolution. It has to do
with humans living in tribes. So India is more
tribal, nothing wrong with that.

You forget the White Man's Burden has changed Indian society.
Fact is the reason you husband is unassuming is because Whites
and Muslims killed all the Alpha Males in India so women had
only Beta Males to choose from that is why they dream about
Muslim Bollywood Stars yet marry Doctors and Engineers.

You have no clue how much Women's freedom and modernity
is based on Oil which India lacks. Once Oil runs out, you will
see that life will revert back pre 1900s. Try studying history of
Women from that time to see your future.

This is why Westerners are shocked by India. It is your future and
your destiny. You can feed in your bones but don't want to admit it.

Being half white European and half brown Indian, I have experienced both sides of the coin. My looks are Indian but I can pass for a dark complexion European. I can be a chameleon in India...whatever attention or lack of attention I want in India depends on my manners, dress, hair style etc.. It was fun to experiemnt while I was there to see the reaction of Indians to foreigners. My sentiments are with Joe albeit he was a little harsh...but the truth can be.

Indians have been and continue to be hurt and negatively influenced by western culture with it materialism, individualism, failing family system and "anything" goes attitude. It is no wonder Indians are "cautious" if not afraid of mixing their gene pool.
It is nearly impossible to decondition the western mind to understand, embrace and absorb what Indians hold dearest to their hearts..dharma. The Eastern mind and western mind are two different entities. I was lucky to be born in Canada being biracial and even then, my sense of self and identity wavers still at 44 years old.

Indians are curious and justifiably fearful. The power of the western world threatens all great wisdom and spiritual traditions...that need some protection. Unfortunately, you represent this threat because of your cultural and racial make-up. You will be accepted in certain circles but expect to be seen through suspicious eyes for the time you remain in India. Why don't you live in Australia where it is multi cultural?

I personally am for India to retain its culture at all costs...so I do not see the scrutiny of any westerner as a bad thing.

All the best..om

So racism never happens in the oh-so-developed (and cleansed of natives) great country of Australia isn't it?

But of course she is just telling her experience in India! Why should she be compelled to tell about the excesses of 'back home'?

It is of course literature and the 'form' does not allow balance and reasoning, isnt it? Indeed then call it and publish it as fiction!

Yes all that you describe - almost every Indian knows very well that it does happen. And I completely don't mind your writing about it. In fact, we do need to be shown the mirror every so often. But its the self-righteousness that gets to me.

Racism and prejudice is everywhere. This 'my prejudice is better than yours' attitude, I find laughable.

". This concept of 'romantic love' epitomizes the westerner's idolization of individualism. "

Haha. Yes, and individualism is way better than your backward nationalistic collectivism.

Brainless comments on a brainless piece. Would only appear on a suck-up-to-White-Man blog like this one, open or whatever

I'm a white woman who tries to date Indian men but can never get past the stink. Do you have any tips?

What a load of bull comment! Cops suck everywhere in the world. So do most people, regardless of geography.

No where does your writing show rancour at India and Indians and its really stupid if you have to face such half-assed comments that seek to blame the whites. Who taught us to discriminate against our own countrymen and curry favour with foreigners!?!?

Obviously the brown Indian still has to get his head out of his backside where it was kicked by the colonial heel bout a century back.

On behalf of the brown boors, may I apologize for the incredulity and discredit you have (and I daresay will continue to) experienced?

Racism, sexism and discrimination are a part of Indian society. I don't want to go off on a feminist rant, but to a large extent all Indian women have been subjected to the virgin/whore syndrome. I don't think this is going to change for a long, long time. The fact that you are white adds another dimension to this.

I wonder how black women married to Indian men are treated in India. Must not be a very pleasant experience, I presume.

Honestly expressed and well written. Good Article!

agrees not more nor less with you .. i have many similar experience like yours.

i think Indians are still very conservatives and they needs to see the world ~

dhapa.com

Sharrell - thank you for your insightful and honest article. Opposites attract and I think you and your spouse are very brave to look beyond the external differences.

Life is difficult in India, which has a lot of challenges to overcome. Ignorance is the root cause of the issues you have encountered along with envy.

Everyone faces challanges everywhere, including in India, but anyone fortunate enough to be from the west gets singled out even more.... it's the Tourist syndrome.. Tourists are seem to be easy pickings for scams.

There is opposition to marriage to people with differences as there are in any culture, but in the case of Indians it is due to the desire to ensure the marriage succeeds...

You might be surprised at the support you get from the extended family given time.

Wishing you happiness and prosperity.

I felt the need to respond to Sharell Cook's commentary on her Indian experiences, as a white wife of an Indian husband. I am white with fair skin, dark blond hair, blue/green eyes and, average height. I too am a "Cook", my ancestors from Northern European Anglo-Saxons. My husband is a dark South Indian, whose mother tongue is Tamil.

I met my husband in the United States when he was visiting his married daughter (married to an Indian). He was a widower age 52, a former bank executive from a South Indian traditional, middle middle class family -- well educated but not rich, even by Indian standards. I was a never-married American from a well-educated, middle middle class family of musicians and teachers -- age 36. After a short courtship, we were married in the U.S. in 1987.

My first trip to India ten months after our marriage was a revelation. I had read about the country, as well as Hinduism. (My husband's family were Tamil Brahmins of Kerala origin.) I had been in correspondence with my husband's mother, a widow, since before the marriage. She, and the rest of his family -- three bothers and two sisters live in Chennai and had little experience with Americans beyond the movies they had seen. Via correspondence, my mother-in-law shared her concern that her son would learn bad American habits -- smoking, drinking, eating meat, divorce! But my letters in response to her worries seemed to lay her fears to rest. Even before we met during my first trip to India we came to love each other and she was happy that her widower son was no longer "alone".

Back to my first visit. It was six weeks long. I wore saris the whole time; my stepdaughter had taught me how they wear them in South India. I wore them both to honor my mother-in-law and my husband's culture, but because they were exotic and made me feel attractive.

The revelation of India was that, yes, there was tremendous poverty -- the impression I had of India prior to visiting. But, there was also tremendous beauty. I shared this revelation with my American friends and acquaintances upon my return. With little to no experience of India, both my friends and family, too, had negative impressions of India.

On this visit, I met my husband's family and friends, along with other Indians from all walks of life from poor (servants in better off Indian homes) to wealthy -- much wealthier, by any standards, than I and my husband. Almost every one of them was accepting, supportive and kind. And, yes, curious about this white woman married to this dark Indian man. But, by and large accepting and tolerant. To my total astonishment, men and women that we didn't even know, came up to me and told me I was beautiful!

One experience highlights this. My husband and I were sightseeing at Vivekanada Rock in Kanya Kumari (the town at the southernmost tip of India where three great seas converge -- the Indian Ocean, the Bay of Bengal and the Arabian Sea). I was looking out at the ocean when three village women started walking toward me, practically shouting in Tamil. At first I was afraid, and asked my husband why they were yelling at me. He laughed and said, "they're telling you how beautiful you are in your sari." None of them spoke English, but they gathered around me chattering in Tamil, touching my hair, my sari and making me feel "special".

I have since traveled widely in India including the cities of Rajasthan, Delhi, Mumbai, Calcutta, Kochi, Munnar, Thekkadi, Thiruvananthapuram, Mysore, Bangalore, and many more places. While an object of curiosity to many, I can honestly say that I have always felt welcome -- literally by everyone. My only "negative" experiences involved bargaining with some taxi drivers and shop keepers. When they saw me, a white American, with my husband, a dark Indian -- many assumed we were rich and jacked up their prices four-fold!

I am sorry for the negative experiences of Sharell Cook. I have no idea why my experiences in India have been so positive and many of hers have not. Perhaps it is simple as bad luck. I don't know.

But I couldn't let Sharell's commentary go unrebutted. I hope that, when she and her husband have children the perceptions will change -- I'm sure they will.

Loral Alberta Cook Narayanan

Interesting to note also that India is the country that still reveres the black coloured Sri Krishna, Sri Rama, Shiva, Kali devi, and has dark complexioned heroes and heroines like Arjuna, Draupadi, Vyasa etc. This is also the country that recognizes physical body as perishable and atman as eternal, that recognizes objects of perception such as skin colour etc., as temporal. Western influence changed people's perceptions. namaste

Interesting observations in the original article (and a little sad). But I think those Indians were being perfectly rational.

As some of the other commenters pointed out, most likely the assumptions most of those Indians made were overwhelmingly likely to be true. If an Indian man takes a foreign woman up to the hotel room of another Indian man, perhaps in 99 out of 100 instances it is a case of prostitution. Which is why the hotel staff were suspicious. If an Indian man walks up to a foreigner in the middle of a transaction, perhaps in 99 out of 100 cases the Indian man is simply trying to interfere. Thus the vendor's reaction, though unpleasant, was quite rational. It's conceptually no different than security checks at airports. It doesn't mean everyone passing through security is a terrorist. But treating them as if they were is prudent.

In the case of the writer these assumptions were incorrect, but it was because the writer was in an unusual situation. This also happens in reverse. I'm an Indian. The very first time I landed in the US -- in Seattle -- I entered a "family" restroom instead of a men-only restroom because I was unfamiliar with the signs. When I came out, a couple of very suspicious policemen questioned me and searched my hand baggage as if I was doing something terrorist-like in there.

In a better educated society, people would be trained to hide such perceptions. In India, they're not.

WOW! AWESOME read! :D Sad that fellow Indians are still stuck in the past century. However, the present 18 -25 year old folk are a lot more progressive.and liberal.

i am a delhihite, quite fair and tallish. i think only those indians who are very fair in skin colour should be allowed to marry white women. I strongly disapprove of the these black/dark brown indians, even have a right to see these white cuties.

It is so sad to see nation's still discriminate so openly. You have way more courage than I ever would. It saddens me that the Indian people can't look past the the color of the married couple on the cake toppers .It sounds awful to always feel judged when walking with your husband and wonder what policeman is lurking behind the corner wanting to frame you for something you haven't done. I appreciate and admire your love for your husband. You are a strong admirable woman.

I have encountered the same situations. I am a blonde, blue-eyed American married to a Salvadoran man. We have been married 17 years and his family still do not believe I can cook, clean, and be a good wife, and that the marriage will never last! It used to upset me, but now I just ignore it. When we travelled to El Salvador, I got stares and total disbelief that we were a married couple. Many people thought I was a prostitute.

Beautiful article about life in India ,concerning the prick named by SHAL, maybe if you were not so occupied trying to look important , maybe you could realize that India is not perfect , and some of its problems are mentioned in this article.

oh, that all sounds pretty familiar. my husband so far has been taken for my driver, my guide, and a tout whom i pay to get visa services done for me, or a bye-stander who can't keep his distance. somehow he can laugh about it more than me. why can people just not conceive of a relationship of equals between brown and white (or any other colours for that matter)? it's sad it takes so long to eradicate colonialism from peole's hearts. but i have to say that usually people have been extremely happy to find out we are married (immigration counter at the airport: "excellent! tell me the whole story!" - while at the same time voicing surprise because according to him, my man looks like a "negro" !!!), and that is family is very open (although certainly convinced by now that i don't cook at all). somehow, hindi helps a lot in turning around the whole perception about us whities, i felt. good luck and lots of love to all the other mixed-race couples out there!

I am German (white female) living in London and married to an British Indian (not born in India). I have met my husband a long time ago here in London whilst studying. We lived together for more than 10 years (!) here in London as well as in Germany. Our relationship was 'accepted' by his family who has lived in the UK for more than 50 years or so. His family has no direct family connection to India since they were all born in East Africa under British rule. However, I observed Indian customs/religion etc. through his family especially his widowed mother for whom it was not easy to 'accept' that three of her four children married white folks. I was made aware that if the father had been alive those 'mixed marriages' would not have happened. Being a 'liberated white woman' coming from an intellectual family this felt like an insult. They knew that and I made it quite clear that I wouldn't put up with this nonsense. My husband knew if he wanted me to stay with him that I would stick to my principles. In any case I felt that they were very lucky that a 'white westerner' would invite them in to their house to have dinner with. That was a long time ago. The 3rd generation of Indians born and breed here in the UK seem to be at odds with their inherited customs and start to rebel. Nevertheless, even today marriage in many UK Indian families is seen as a collective issue rather than a matter between two people who love each other for what they are. Their man folk are brought up to be control freaks - this has been witnessed and confirmed by many of the young people - especially the females who are under constant pressure to conform and not to 'stray'. I've heard Indian boys refer to non-Indian females as 'white trash' perhaps they know that no decent 'white girl' would seriously consider getting involved with them. British people would generally not aspire to include them in their circle of friends - because they seem to have very little in common.
Conclusion: 'white folks' are worlds apart from people descending from this Far Eastern world who are unwilling to change their arrogant attitudes towards other fellow human beings.

Well i am an indian working in usa and i do visit india regularly
I totally agree with you , well i should not bash my own people but the thing is indian's are mad about white skin .. even from soaps to creams advertise people to get fair , forget about that , some creams transgress all the fences of bigotry when they show that a fairer person gets elected where as the darker ones get rejected in interviews ..seriously wtf?? ..indian media should be seriously censored and is culpable for this
Secondly i am dating an american girl right now and have lots of good american friends , fr some reason they do mix with me , but their recent trip to india had been annoying rather , they were vexed by the lecherous stare of the people ,people tryin to act smart and trying to start a conversation , jumping in ..fr no reasons ..i mean at times even they did sexually beset them .. i mean why can't we just leave them alone , i know opposite skins attract but man there is no need to be so impertinent that u start vexing them ..thats horrible ...

Thirdly white women are considered to be an easy pray, free minded ...LOL i did lol cuz its totally stupid , if a women is white it doesn't mean she will get laid ...or she is there with u in the bed...no wrong ..way too wrong ..wash ur face rather wash ur brains!! , they have been stereotyped wrongly like any other girl they also like u for what u are in person , if she is really into u ...