I realised last week that ever since I started writing this column, my social life has taken a serious hit. Three months ago, weekends were evenly divided between the girl friends and the guys. Not anymore. In the past 10 weeks, while I’ve managed to reconnect with women I haven’t seen in months, even years, I’ve hardly seen my best male buddy. So last weekend was spent correcting that situation.
As usual, we picked an obnoxiously loud bar close to his house. Loud enough to not make the silences feel awkward and close enough in case the need for one of us to be literally carried out of the bar arose. I was looking forward to a night of bad music, oily food and little conversation. In my head, that was the plan. An hour later I realised that his agenda for the night was quite the opposite. Buddy was in the mood to talk. And by talking I mean putting-the-heart-on-the-table-and-examining-it-one-tissue-at-a-time kind of talking. His sex graph had just thrown an unexpected curve: Buddy’s girlfriend of two years had gone and bought herself a dildo. He hadn’t seen it yet, but the idea upset him. And because he was so upset, I didn’t have the heart (or the courage!) to tell him that it was eight-inches long, about two inches wide and had elongated bumps and a super sensitive vibration control mode. How do I know this? Because his girlfriend is one of the women I’d been bonding with over the past 10 weeks. And it was possible that I had put the idea of experimenting with a toy in her head…
“She expects me to be excited. But it actually makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I’ve been replaced… Like I’m not enough,” he said to me, looking miserable. When I had taken his girlfriend dildo shopping and introduced her to the magical world of Rabbits, I had never imagined it would cause my friend so much grief. If anything, it was supposed to help him see her bolder, more confident avatar. According to her, after two years of monogamy, the sex, while still great, was beginning to feel just a wee bit predictable. She wanted to shake things up, play around a little, and a dildo seemed the perfect answer to us. I told Buddy so. He, while not entirely convinced, went home looking at least somewhat relieved.
The thing is, women masturbate often enough, it just isn’t spoken about as freely as male masturbation is in popular culture. Which is probably why it takes men by surprise when they realise their girlfriends and wives do it. And do it regularly. But whether it’s a dildo, the fingers or the good old hand shower that we all experimented with in our teens, a flesh-and-blood throbbing penis will always be our preference. Why? Because a dildo can’t kiss, make us feel like a sex goddess or whisper dirty words in our ears. It can’t go down and bury its tongue in our bodies and hold us close while we rock in orgasm. Nor can they get in the shower with us, soap our backs, smack our asses (please find out whether she likes it before trying this one!) and make the mirrors fog over with steam. We can’t bury our nails in its back or wrap our legs around it in excitement. For all these reasons and so many more, a dildo can never replace a man.
Then why do we need them? Because they are machines. They don’t mind if we decide midway that our minds are actually on tomorrow’s deadline. They give us control and they let us be selfish. As long as there are fresh batteries in the drawer, they can’t say no. And when we’re done with them, we dunk them in disinfectant and toss them into the drawer until we need them again. It’s purely a comfort thing, like sex at your own pace, without the pressure of performance or worrying about someone else’s satisfaction… Much like it is for men. Just like you wouldn’t want your girlfriends and wives to think they’re not enough for you if they were to catch you wanking off in the bathroom, it’s unfair to make them feel guilty for indulging in a bit of self-pleasure on the side. Because frankly, you’re lucky if you land a woman who is confident enough to take charge of her pleasure. Even if she enjoys the silicone one once in a while, it can never, ever replace a man’s penis. Because at the end of the day, it’s simply a toy and it’s just so much more fun when you play with it together.