full toss

Multi-captaincy: Theory and Practice

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In which John Buchanan opens his heart out to the one and only Greg Chappell, the coach who taught himself a lesson

Dear Greggie,

Delighted to know you approve of my brilliant multiple captains idea. I’ve sent a 273-slide PowerPoint presentation to our mutual friends Alvin Toffler and Ed de Bono. Both love it. Alvin reckons this is more futuristic than anything he’s come up with. It’s just the Indian yobos who don’t seem to get it. That niggly dingbat Sunny Gavaskar never tires of slamming us Aussies in his newspaper column. He keeps reminding the world he has 10,122 Test runs while I have 160 in seven Shield games.
Thankfully, my boss, the Great Khan, too thinks he’s an obnoxious weed. I guess you should have nipped it by asking Dennis to knock off his ivories at Perth.
I took your rather timely advice (I owe you a case of XXXX Gold) and got rid of that slacker Ganguly as captain. I’ve not seen anyone so reluctant to put in the hard yakka. Here I am, teaching my players to bowl, bat and throw, right- and left-handed, and this bloke refuses to even practise reverse sweep. I’m so glad the IPL isn’t happening in India. The mad Bengalis at Eden Gardens would have pounced on me like a pack of dingos.
I love the cheer girls in South Africa. They are dressed as dancing girls should be. Pity they’re too far from the dugouts. You must love watching them on Channel 10 back home. There’s only one problem coaching this team. After every Citi ‘moment of success’ and DLF ‘Maximum’, the camera pans to the owner and his beautiful friends, not me. I’ve got AMD to sponsor my laptop and they aren’t too happy with the lack of visibility.
Back to cricketing matters, this boy Brendon, I must tell you, is a bonzer. No wonder NSW Blues wanted him. We’ve had a reasonable start in IPL2. We are yet to win a game, but spirits are high in the dressing room, despite Shoaib’s absence. As you keep reminding me, it’s the process that matters, not the results. I wonder why the Great Khan is getting shirty. We still are the team with the best uniforms and sponsors. Do you think it’s a good idea to take the boys out for a bootcamp in the Kalahari?
Just as last year, I’ve downsized the squad and sent a few useless clods packing, in the most considerate manner possible. Every penny saved can be spent more usefully on high-quality support staff from Queensland.
Offers for corporate lecture tours are pouring in. Indian companies are keen as mustard to learn the art of firing employees. I miss the Gold Coast, I’m still a happy little Vegemite.